Rants

Sozzz...

I know it's silly but I can't help this weird ass angst I get when I see people posting about their kids and pregnancy.

I'm sorry... I know I shouldn't be feeling this but I can't help it and I don't know how to breach the subject. Like I want to be happy for them but I can't.
And it's not like I can stop them from showing off their kids?

Just didn't think I'd be this affected. Perhaps I've been trying to suppress this... emotional burden so to speak. I don't know what I've been doing but it's coming up a lot these days and harder to keep it in. I might just launch into a verbal vomit or have an emotional outburst one day.

Sure, I had feelings of sadness and loss but I was still trying to keep my hopes up. When week 13 came and I was still staring at a sonogram of virtually an empty sac, I don't know exactly what I was feeling. I wasn't entirely "devastated"... when the Dr diagnosed it as unnatural and abnormal, all I wanted to do is to rid of it there and then.

But Robs wanted to wait.
All I was thinking about in that moment was "Wait for what?????"

After my scheduled surgery, I shed a few drops of tears on and off for like twice, thrice maximum.
I've not had bouts of lamentations since. Xept this occasional angst I get from seeing posts on social media.

But I am a consumer of social media content. It's part of my job and a huge part of what occupies my daily commute (other than Glenn and the Flying Dutchman on One FM).
I've since resumed to reading on my kindle. But I don't suppose I can steer 100% clear of pregnancies, kids and babies online nor around me.

Doesn't help being invited to baby showers, one year old birthday parties and the occasional hospital visits to someone who's just given birth.

No, I kind of do not want to be there. I do but I don't. Mostly I don't. I'm not being mean, or that I don't care. No, I don't know. I don't want to care? I suppose? I don't know.
I just want it to stop.

Guess I'll just have to continue sucking it up and suppress my misery silently.

Rant over.