Am forcing myself on this one

I cannot, for the life of me (miserable one at that), figure out what's wrong with me.


30th Dec
0100-0400 Tried to sleep. Failed. Read my book.
0400-1020 Finally fell into slumber
1020-1021 Saw Robsie's text and tried to sleep again
1021-1115 Dreamt about Robsie. (Sorry, nothing pleasant actually) :(
1115-1116 Upset with the dream.
1116-1117 Cracked my bones and replied Robsie's text.
1117-1600 Lazed around, checked mails, prepared to go out. Traveled to SIM. Waited
freaking 2 hours to get my stuff sorted out. Pissed off. Read my book.
Pissed off.
1600-1620 Had lunch
1620-1715 Went to the library to read my book
1715-1810 Got chased out of the library. Read my book elsewhere
1810-1930 Caught in bad traffic.
1930-1030 Bible class + Dinner
1030-0100 TV time


31st Dec
0100-0309 Fell into slumber. (without showering)
0309-0409 Tried to sleep again. Tossed and turned. Cheesed off. Showered.
0409-now Blog hopping. Realised what a loser I am. Writing this. Wondering what the
hell is wrong with me. (Am reminded of Robsie asking the same thing just
hours ago. Guess what? I think nobody on Earth can answer that.)


I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what's wrong.

Possible reasons:
- My hormones are acting up again.
- I'm just anticipating C.R
- 2009 is coming to an end and I feel like I've wasted a year away. Literally.
- Thinking about 2010 is dreadful right now coz I've not done my reflections and I know exactly why I sorta refused to let myself do it
- New year's resolution list pretty much the same. And more. Which adds to my agony.
- The one thing that I despise is truly evident in me now-- Escapism. It's a fact that I'm willing to admit because denying it is just... displaying more escapism.


Again, I cannot, for the life of me, figure what's wrong.

It's like there's this sky of dark dreary clouds constantly looming over my head, threatening to pour on me anytime.


If I were to die today. It would be so very sad. 22. Unaccomplished. Nothing in life. Zero. Nada. Zip.

Gee. I'm like the guy with the one talent. The guy who hid his only asset instead of expanding it.

If I stand before God now, He would be FURIOUS. I swear. He's going to throw me into the lake of burning fire for all eternity. He doesn't even have to ask me like "Kareen Lee Jianing, what have you done with your life." He'll probably just cast me a look that says "You know what it's going to be."


I guess I've figured out the part about me having done nothing in my life.
But I cannot understand why I've not woken up from that part and finally decide to do something with it.


Oh. Maybe that's escapism for you.

I know I'd get around to it but maybe just not yet for today at least...