Wee hours of the night

Was reading some articles. C.R keeps me awake. @_@

Did some maintenance work on my blog entries. It's hilarious really. How I used to blog about craploadsa nonsense. I've deleted a couple.
To be honest, I didn't actually think that was me. Heh.

Unbelievable. The grammar errors are enough to have me bury my head in some hole.
-_-
I used to be a careless blogger. I write about whatever and whenever. I still do.
Seems as though I've always been complaining. There's a lot of talk abt dry hair and dry skin. Acne outbreak. and of course, my C.R. Heh. Oh, and about what an idiot I am. Which is always true.

I used to post pictures here. Not anymore. Partly coz I've flickr and facebook now. N partly coz I've forgotten hw to post pics here. I'm a techie laggard rmb?

an entry dated Oct 04 tells me that I've screwed up the dates of my Cell Bio paper with Org Biochem paper. -_-
What's new eh.

Gone are the days when I rant on about days spent having fun and hangin with my grps of frens. we still do, but we seldom hang out in big grps now.

Gone are the days when I freely express myself in words and in deed. I feel that I've changed much. Could be somewhat 'negligible' to most I suppose. I used to read journal papers on science experiments/research. Complain about CYC. Bitchin about wat-nots... But now, I'm reading articles on the development of corporate management theories, still complaining and bitchin about wat-nots, and more solemn/ unhappy entries.


I'm uncertain about many things. Reminds me of the hymn "I know who holds Tomorrow."

Recently, I've begun to tear down this barrier I have around me. I've started talking and opening up to those around me. Maybe things ARE getting better.
I should talk to God soon.


My headaches have returned. *sigh.

I was on the phone with Gdine and hmmm...
I hope she's alright.


As much as I hate to admit it, I wonder how Dad is. I resent that I still do think of him sometimes. Rmb few weeks ago, I was alone at home (with my almost non-existent sister), I missed him. When I go to bed sometimes, I think of him.
When I talk abt my family, I'm cautious to leave him out of it. People do ask, and I speak of him like it's no big deal. I still havent the conclusion if it's really a big deal at all.
And No. I've still nt decided if I'm going to visit him tmr.

...


I dunno.


I was lookin at my family photo. The one next to my bed. I was 6. Serene was 17. Boy does she look young and slim. :)
Cans was cute. Mom's as beautiful as always. Our smiles were real.
I wonder if Dad looks at our family photo and gets stings of regret. I wonder if he misses us too.
I wonder about a lot of things he'd done or never did. I wonder if he's remorseful. And I get this painful lump in my throat.
Every time I think abt him, I'd think abt the hurt he's caused my mom... I'd think about how ah-ma held my hand, sobbing quietly, almost pleading... asking for assurance--that I'd look after my Dad when she's gone.
I'd think about how Cans and I never had a father we ought to. And I resent him.

I resent him. I've wanted to tell him that so many times. He knows I do. I'm always rude to him and I can't help myself. And then I'll get angry at myself for being such a brat. But I'll still be rude.


I hate him. But I don't.

I dunno.

I rmb Mayfern telling me that she used to hate her dad and never did forgive him until the day she saw him lying in his coffin.

I don't want that.
So what am I to do now...


I'm still thinkin if I should go tmr.